DISCLAIMER
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS STORY—EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL REFERENCES TO DIFFERENT INTELLECTUAL PROPERTIES SHOULD BE ASSUMED AS PARODIES AND NOT ACTUAL REPRESENTATIONS OF THE PROPERTIES THEMSELVES. THE CONTENT AND IDEAS OF THIS STORY ARE OF THE AUTHOR AND NOT OF ANY EMPLOYERS THAT HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WORKED FOR, NOR DO THE EMPLOYERS ENDORSE OR PROMOTE THE CONTENT AND IDEAS OF THE STORY IN ANY CAPACITY. THE FOLLOWING SATIRE CONTAINS MATURE LANGUAGE, SUGGESTIVE SCENES/REFERENCES, AND OTHER INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT, AND IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE—ESPECIALLY PRUDE PEOPLE THAT ARE SENSITIVE TO LANGUAGE.
“Hello everybody!” The teacher projected his voice. His arms waved in excitement like an inflatable. “Welcome back. Hope you had a wonderful summer. My name is Mr. David, and it’s such an honor to get to be your teacher this year.”
A few select students applauded at Mr. David; others had their hoodies on unfazed and stared underneath their desks.
“Well, I see that some of you do have your phones out already,” Mr. David scanned the room. “Already checking out at this point. Mentally checking out. On your first day.”
The hooded students kept on scrolling.
“As you’re probably aware, but Governor Hot—I mean, Abbott, has recently signed a new law on phone use. I mean, if you ask me, no matter what we say, or how we say it, y’all old teenagers are just gonna be pulling out your phones and watching Tiktok all day anyways.”
The hooded students kept on scrolling. Some put their phones in their pockets.
“So pretty much—and you all are absolutely going to hate this—to truly enforce the new law, the higher ups at Generic ISD have decided to assign a police officer to monitor phone use and implement consequences for those that use them.”
The hooded students moaned and groaned at the announcement. “Man, that’s some bullshit,” whined the student sitting in the back corner of the room.
“Yes, it may be,” Mr. David responded. “I get it. It’s super duper unpopular right now, but it’s the law that the state government just passed. Besides, I actually like making eye contact with you while I’m addressing you—not to sound weird or anything. Making eye contact with the teacher while they are lecturing is a very wise and very demure choice.”
Most of the class were listening to Mr. David yapping on the classroom procedures. All phones were out of sight—except for one. A phone with a pink case with suction cups on the back. Gold cursive lettering of Sofia engraved just right above the suction cups of her case. Her long-tipped, acrylic nails scrolled through different Tiktok videos:
A young lady with curly hair was lip-syncing, “I need you right now. Once I leave you, I’m strung out. If I get you, I’m slowly breaking down. And, oh it’s hard to see you, but I wish you were right here—”
A seventeen-year-old student in a Supreme grey sweatshirt said,“Hey guys, this is a tutorial on how to goon in your math class without anyone noticing at exactly 10:37am—“
TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR—
The theme song of American Dragon: Jake Long playing on the top half of the screen, while a gameplay of Subway Surfers was at the bottom. “—People, we’re not braggin’. He’s the American Dragon.”
Mario t-posing and spinning around the screen with Peach’s Castle in the background while the Slider theme from Super Mario 64 played. “YAHOO! YAHOO! YAHOO!”
“Niko, be calm. Be calm.” Roman pleaded.
“Fuck calm!” Niko shoved his cousin out of the way while holding a nine-millimeter in his hand. “Florian!”
“—that is pretty much the expectations for this classroom. Chez David as I like to call it. So far so good?”
The students nodded.
“Great. So as you probably notice, we have the Ten Commandments,” Mr. David gestured at the wall-sized Ten Commandments containing the American and Texan flags below. “All written in white text on a blue background as you have already seen in those One state under God posters. Since I have been forced to put this thing as part of my decoration, I will be going over each and every commandment within the first ten weeks of school. Generic ISD and Generic High School administrators expect each teacher to have a period discussing each commandment on a weekly basis. And yes, there will be a state-mandated summative assessment that tests you on your knowledge and how you will be able to actually apply this content into your life.”
The students looked bewildered. Turning towards each other as a means to process the information.
“Yes, you are expected to actually learn it and apply it for the rest of your life.”
The students moaned and groaned and cussed underneath their breaths.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry guys. Don’t blame me; blame the government. Anyways, we will start off by me choosing a commandment. Oh yeah, by the way, although the commandments are ordered, we don’t necessarily have to be discussing them in order. With that said, I want to start this year off with Commandment Seven.”
7. Thou shall not commit adultery
“So, before we start,” Mr. David paced towards the Commandments wall, “who can tell me their definition of ‘adultery’?”
Eyeballs stared: some on the teacher and a few back to their phones. Crickets chirped silently.
“Okie-dokie. So I’m pretty sure some of you in this room have a significant other, right?”
A couple of students nodded affirmatively.
“Okie-dokie. So for number seven, it’s simply all about keeping the faith between yourself and your significant other: your BF or GF. Oh yeah, you can even see this commandment in action among your parents.” Mr. David scanned the room in a beat, “well, some parents. So for those that have a BF or GF, if I may ask you this: do you love your partner?”
The taken students nodded.
“Okay great, and how do you feel about being together? How did y’all actually meet and how did it go from there? Anybody can share.”
A hooded student from the column next to the left wall raised his hand.
Mr. David directed his attention toward the student. Ah, finally some engagement. “Yes. What you think?”
“Can I go to the restroom?”
“Ah! What a thought-provoking, philosophical question! A question of whether or not you can conduct a humanely biological process of relieving yourself by excreting away the stress you’ve been carrying for a long time,” Mr. David checked his watch, “especially cultivated during the first ten minutes of class that you’re not able to go to the restroom, right? Perhaps in three minutes you can. Such a great, mind-cultivating question, mister…”
“Freddy, sir,” the student responded. “Aight. I can wait.”
“Fair enough,” Mr. David said. “Anybody want to share how they met their BF or GF? And how they went from there?”
Mr. David noticed another student raise their hand, and summoned him to share; Sofia, with her suction-cupped phone case, kept scrolling:
“U I I I A A U U I I I A A,” Ethel the spinning cat sang in the tune of Ravyn Lenae’s Love Me Not.
“무궁화 꽃이 피었습니다,” chanted the doll as she turned her head towards the contestants in a Roblox game of Red Light, Green Light.
“Moonbeam Ice Cream taking off your blue jeans!” the customer ‘sang’ as he entered a Crumbl Cookie store while actually taking off his blue jeans to flash his pink underwear briefs.
“Why thank you, Sam, for sharing,” Mr. David said to that student. “Okay guys, I appreciate y’all for sharing. Y’all had great stories to tell. ‘Twas a great way to start off this lecture. Anyways guys, let me tell you more about adultery.
“So imagine yourself and your significant other as Mario and Princess Peach, right?” Mr. David drew a stick figure representing Mario and Peach on the whiteboard. “So one day, Mario goes out into the Mushroom Kingdom to serve his duties as its protector from Bowser, right? He comes back to the castle tired after a long day of work. All of a sudden, he could hear a bunch of coin and 1-UP sounds coming from the master bathroom. He could hear Peach in distress in there, right? He barged into the restroom and discovered an unsettling and unfavorable scene. Waluigi was there.”
The students’ eyes widened, eyeballing at each other.
“You know how Waluigi’s tall right? So were his tools. He cleaned out Peach’s pipes real good. That plumbing service was so satisfying that both Peach and Waluigi himself gained a couple of 1-UPs from that session. Upon seeing Mario walking into the bathroom, both their faces blushed red from the hard work they’ve been putting into clearing and draining the pipes. Do you have any idea how Mario would react or feel?”
One student said something along the lines of “pissed.” Another made a reference to the viral picture that featured Mario sitting down on a set of stairs in the rain.
“Well, yeah,” Mr. David responded to another student’s contribution to the conversation. “That did not make Mario feel so good. He’d probably take one of Waluigi’s lives from that 1-UP session at that moment—well that in itself is a violation to the Sixth Commandment, but we’ll hold off on that, so that the classroom-assigned officer can discuss it next week. Does that make sense?”
The students sat there. Some on their phones. Especially Sofia sitting at the back side of the room.
“Okay then. Well guys, I would normally say to have your phones ready to take a picture of what’s to come on this board, but then again we have that new law, so just get out a pen and paper to take notes. I’m about to show you a mnemonic that you are going to want to know. Please don’t miss this. You will need to know this on quizzes and tests,” Mr. David took out a red dry-erase Expo marker. On the whiteboard, he wrote in huge and legible letters:
FAFO
“Does anybody know what this means?” Mr. David asked.
A student sitting in the middle of the room, on the right side, raised her hand.
“Yes,” Mr. David pointed to her. “And please, don’t be afraid to actually say it. This is for instructional purposes.”
“Well,” the ginger-haired student said. “I don’t usually curse, so I would say ‘fool around and find out.’”
“Okay, fair enough,” Mr. David nodded. “Why thank you, miss…”
“Maddie,” the ginger-haired student responded.
“Why thanks Maddie. Oof… I really gotta get that attendance started,” Mr. David checked his watch. “Well there’s still 33 minutes left. We will get to that after this brief lecture, I promise. Anyways, yeah. Maddie has that idea.
“FAFO is pretty much the idea where if you decide to make a choice, there would be consequences right? Each choice carries a consequence—whether good or bad. Actively pay attention and participate in my class, your ass will pass. If you slack, your grades will lack and hold you back. Am I right, or am I wrong?”
The students nodded in agreement—including those on their phones.
“Right on. Now, how this pertains to the adultery commandment, there are two parts of FAFO,” Mr. David branched out two lines from the FAFO on the board: FA and FO. Underneath the FA, he drew two stick figures in a certain formation deemed questionable for a high school setting—but it was part of the new curriculum thanks to the new bill. Underneath the FO, a stick figure was drawn with an angry face. 😡
“So pretty much,” Mr. David put the cap back on the Expo marker. “This is a visual representation of what FA means, right? And over here is the representation of FO. Pretty much, in a nutshell: should you ever decide to fuck around with someone who’s not your BF or GF, your significant other will find out. And eventually, you’ll be the one finding out. Does that make sense so far?”
The students nodded.
“Okay good. Pretty much, just be faithful to your significant other. Don’t cheat. Don’t cause any drama at school or anywhere else. And definitely don’t have any drama here in my lovely Chez David. If you can’t handle keeping yourself away from infidelity, your best option would be to just break it off before you get into a liaison with someone else, does that make sense?”
The students nodded.
“Great. I‘ll close off by saying: don’t hawk someone’s tuah if she’s not for youah. Or he or they, depending on the pronoun whatever. Well, that, and don’t go to a Coldplay concert—everyone will know. Anyways, let’s move on to the attendance.”
One week later
“Hello everyone!” Mr. David cheered. “Happy Monday—”
“Hey! Get off your phones now!” The classroom-assigned police officer projected at the students as he stood next to Mr. David.
The students stowed away their phones. Eyes widened.
“Sorry, sir. Go ahead. As you were saying,” the officer said.
Mr. David gave a nod. “As you have probably seen throughout your other classes, the classroom-assigned police officers have finally arrived. They are going to be with us for the entire school year in Generic ISD’s efforts to strictly enforce the cellphone ban law.”
The students were bewildered. “What the helly?” was murmured from one of the students’ mouths.
“Now don’t worry. If he catches you once, you’re not spending life behind bars or anything like that. Obviously you have to get caught fifty times to earn yourself such a prison sentence.”
The students sat at their desks frozen. Fingers tapping and eyes widening during that announcement.
“Nah, I’m just kidding. There will not be a fiftieth time, right? Anyways, the officer will now introduce himself,” Mr. David stepped to the side.
“Well, thank you, Mr. David,” the officer said. “Hey guys. My name is Officer Yonder, and I will be your classroom-assigned officer for the entire school year. A bit about myself is that I have served in the Generic ISD Police Department for seven years; overall, it is my fifteenth year as a law enforcement officer. Some of the hobbies that I like include hiking in the wilderness and reconnecting with nature. I also like to spend time with my wife and two children at home. My oldest son is in eighth grade at Generic Junior High and my youngest daughter is in fifth grade at Generic Elementary—both of them will be attending this school in the future. Also, I like to read books and learn something new everyday. Do you notice how all of these things don’t involve phones?
“Speaking of phones, I must tell y’all what I’m here for. So there are two purposes for my presence. One: I’m here to keep this campus safe and secure, obviously. And two: I’m here to enforce the statewide cellphone ban. When it comes to enforcing it, the consequences will be tiered. Um, let me go ahead and write it down on the board,” Officer Yonder took a red dry-erase Expo marker, and started writing. “Upon the first offense, I will collect your phone, give you a $50 ticket, and assign you a detention.”
The students gasped. “What the hell?” one of the students sitting in the middle row said out loud. “Aw c’mon. That’s the first offense?” another one reacted. “What the helly?”
“You may not like it. You, or your parent, may not agree with it. But I am here to enforce and comply with the Governor’s law. The consequences were determined by the school board, and they said I have to enforce it. Again, you may not like it, so I’m going to suggest that you grow a pair and suck it up. Don’t be such… babies about this. This is for your own mental health and safety. And for your education too.”
The students groaned and cringed.
“Moving on. On the second offense, you will hand me over your phone, pay a $100 fine, serve three detentions, and have a parent or legal guardian pick it up after school. The third offense will result in a $200 fine, some hours of community service, some time in ISS, and the parent picks up the phone. Four or more offenses: you will be sent to alternative. And maybe serve some time in jail in addition to alternative. Are there any questions so far?”
Maddie raised her hand.
“Yes, red-haired girl in the pink sweatshirt.”
”So are there exceptions for when we have to monitor our blood sugars? I’m a type-one diabetic.”
“Great question,” Officer Yonder said. “I will hold on to your phone—without penalty of course—, and monitor the blood sugars for you. The app should have notifications popping out whether or not your levels are low or high. As a public safety officer, I will make sure to look out for any notification that tells me if something’s off and I will address it accordingly. This goes for any other health reasons as well. I’ll be the one monitoring, and you’ll be the ones learning.” Officer Yonder picked up Maddie’s phone, and then scanned the room. “Are there any other questions?”
Another student raised their hand, “What if we need to contact our family in case of an emergency?”
Officer Yonder groaned, “of course, this question. Two things: one, I’m here the whole class period, and two, it’s just a scapegoat excuse for parents to not have students with their phones. Besides, I’m here, and so are eighty-seven other officers in all classrooms. You are even safer now than the school years before.”
“So this government is pretty much going to regulate our cellphone use more than how they regulate guns?” Another student said.
“Welcome to Texas,” Officer Yonder shrugged.
“Man, fuck that Hot Wheels guy.”
“Hey!” Officer Yonder hollered. “Watch it. I could cite you for language you know.” He turned to the rest of the class, “Any other questions?”
The students stared at the cop.
“Okay,” Officer Yonder said. “As I said, I’m only here to provide security and to enforce the cellphone ban. I’m literally just here to serve those purposes. Mr. David will be doing the teaching, and you’ll be doing the learning—as if I’m not here.”
Sighs. Crossed arms. Eye rolls. The students just sat there.
“Actually,” Officer Yonder said. “I’m going to be leading a lesson for once. And it’s a very important one. This has something to do with school safety, so you better take out your notebooks and pencils.”
Mr. David and Officer Yonder took a few minutes to get the smart board projector running. The cutesy Canva slides projected onto the board:
Generic High School and Generic ISD’s Safety and Security Plan 2025-2026 with hearts and sunshine around the wording and the picture of the school’s façade.
“Okay guys,” Officer Yonder said as Mr. David switched off the lights. “In addition your yearly high school assemblies that discuss procedures and policies, the classroom-assigned police officers have taken on this responsibility of discussing the safety and security protocols of the school as well as the Sixth Commandment posted on the wall,” Officer Yonder gestured his arm toward the Sixth Commandment:
6. Thou shall not kill.
“So, as y’all are probably aware, school administrators and local law enforcement agencies take school safety seriously. It is one of those things that we do not take lightly—especially with what we hear in the media as disheartening and unfavorable as it may be. So, do you see how we might connect this district-mandated presentation to the Sixth Commandment?”
Freddy, in a gray hoodie, raised his hand.
“Yes, you sir.”
“Does it have anything to do with preventing school shootings?”
“Bingo,” Officer Yonder nodded. “That’s a huge point to this conversation.”
“Aight bet,” Freddy nodded. “Also, can I go use the restroom?”
As the officer and the class proceeded with their presentation, Sofia had her suction-cup-cased iPhone hidden inside the compartment of her desk. Her Airpods were on, concealed by her hoodie. Her screen in a low-lighted setting:
“My name is Pink, and I’m really glad to meet you,” a girl wearing a red high school spirit shirt lip-synced as she was shaking someone’s hand.
“You’re recommended to me by some people,” a boy wearing a green high school spirit shirt lip-synced, shaking the girl’s hand.
“Hey! Ooh, is this illegal?”
“Hey! Ooh, it feels illegal.”
A young lady in her twenties with make up, well-made hair, a pair of gladiator-styled heels connected to her toned legs, and a red sparkling Shein dress filled by slim and curved outlines was walking away from the camera in the middle of the Brickell district at night. The caption on the video read, pov: you made it to the top by quitting your boring 9-5 and providing financial services.
A ranked list of ten musicals in twelve slides while ABBA’s Thank You for the Music played.
“So I say thank you for the music” played while an iPhone was pictured on a tombstone while the: In loving memory, during class in Texas just right below the iPhone picture, and RIP 2025 were inscribed. “The songs I’m singin’. Thanks for all the joy they’re bringin’—”
On the projected screen was a slide showing the outlined map of the school that had the emergency exits labeled. On the left side of the map were some bullet points:
- NEVER open the DOOR to ANYBODY! Staff or not. Close friend or not. They MUST enter through the MAIN DOORS. NO EXCEPTIONS!
- NEVER PROP THE DOOR FOR ANYONE AT ANY TIME
- Anybody caught violating these directives WILL BE SUBJECT TO DISCIPLINARY ACTION AND/OR LEGAL CONSEQUENCES—UP TO JAIL TIME.
- There are cameras. We will be consistent and follow through throughout the school year. WE WILL KNOW.
“And these are the rules that we will be following throughout the school year. No exceptions. Yes, this includes extracurricular activities after school. We put safety over convenience,” Officer Yonder said. “Are there any questions on this so far?”
The students stared; they nodded in agreement.
“Okay great. These are the ways that we are upholding the Sixth Commandment as Moses inscribed on his tablet. Make sure you have this noted in your journal as you will be tested on this.”
Pink-hoodied Sofia kept on sneaking her Toks during the talk for the clock tick-tocks right on the dot during her brainrot:
“Darling hold my hand!” Jess Glynne could be heard singing while a video clip of brown toilet water flooding uncontrollably underneath the door and into the carpet of a Hilton hotel room in Pensacola, Florida.
“Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday! And right now, you can save fifty pounds per person—“
How many months have y’all been together? was the text shown on a picture of a recently-married, young couple walking down the aisle in the first slide while Lord Huron’s The Night We Met played in the background.
The second slide was a candid photo of the couple during the proposal in front of the scenic view of the hills—the caption on the photo said months?
The third slide was dated in 2015, which was a picture of the same couple at a high school football game as freshmen. The boy was wearing a navy blue and gold spirit shirt with a panther on it, a pair of khaki shorts, and a mum on his arm. The girl had on a blue and orange shirt featuring a bronco, and her face decorated with dots in a sinusoidal pattern alternating in blue and orange—
“Stewie, Brian, Lois. Chris, Meg, Stewie. Brian, Stewie, Chris. Quaaaaggg-mire,” sang Peter Griffin as the pictures of the characters appeared in respective order.
“Don’t look at me! Look away!” directed a teacher as she was squatting with her skirt up onto a trash can in the middle of a school hallway—
The fluorescent lights smacked Sofia’s eyes like a train; reality seeped in. Officer Yonder was standing in front of her with the pink, suction-cupped covered phone in his hand. “You really think you could mentally check out and be on your phone during this entire lesson?”
Sofia blinked. Shook. Caught red-handed. “Oh, um. Uh, sorry? I… couldn’t really help myself—”
“No excuses,” Officer Yonder nodded in disapproval. He pocketed the iPhone and took out a device with a small ticket printer on it. His thumbs were typing away right before a slip was printed out. “Congratulations, you earned yourself a $50 fine and a lunch detention. Let this be a lesson.”
“What?! No. Please sir, just let me off with a warning—”
“Nuh-uh!” Officer Yonder interjected. “I will not be having it today. You have been warned. There shall be no appeals to this consequence, so all you can do now is grow a pair and suck it up! Hate me all you want, but I’m just following through with the law.”
Officer Yonder walked back to front of Chez David to summarize the lesson of school safety and the Sixth Commandment. “So these are the main takeaways of this lesson: Do not make any threats that involve violating the Sixth Commandment. They will never be tolerated. Ever. You are not to even ‘joke’ about making these threats; they are never jokes. Also, you are expected—no, required—to report any threats that you may see or hear in-person or online. You can report anything to me. You can report to Mr. David. You can report to your other teachers. You can report to other classroom-assigned officers. You can even report anonymously to the school website under ‘Report Anonymously.’ There are no excuses to gatekeep these types of information. We need to keep our community safe. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir,” The class said and nodded in unison.
“Okay good. I’ll finish with this: should you ever decide to disregard what was taught from this lesson, such as threatening to do something God-forbidding, fuck around and find out.”
Two weeks later
“Okie-dokie everyone,” Mr. David said in front of the class. “For this week, we will be starting on the Second Commandment.” He gestured toward the gigantic Ten Commandments wall.
2. Thou shall not use the Lord’s name in vain.
“So, especially in a public high school in Texas—here out in the suburbs of Genericville—we tend to hear and use vocabulary. You know, colorful vocabulary.”
The students chuckled and nodded in agreement; Officer Yonder stood like a classroom lamp, unfazed, towards the back of Chez David. Always vigilant and constantly scanning the area.
“You know, the kind of vocabulary we would frown upon hearing them come out of your mouth? Well at least in school? I mean, I totally wouldn’t blame you for using language if you do it after school, outside of school, right? Chances are: teachers and classroom officers use some particular vocab words in real life anyways. Again after school, outside of school. We’re teaching you to be professionals, not saints.”
“Um… what about FAFO?” asked a student sitting in the middle row.
“Oh right,” Mr. David said. “Well, since y’all are supposedly mature upperclassmen high schoolers, and it’s a legitimate concept that most teachers and schools have adopted across the state, we can teach FAFO in high school classrooms. Besides, we already know that you’re already using language at this point in life. It’s not like we’re exposing you to something worse; there’s no point in sugarcoating.
“Oh yeah, anyways. I did say that we have to be professional when it comes to language, right? Well when it comes to language derived from the Lord’s name, we do have to teach you to be saints. As in in general, not just in school.”
Aaaagh! The majority of the students moaned and groaned.
“Welcome to Texas,” Mr. David said. “They want you to respect the Lord. We may not like it, but it is what it is.”
While Mr. David proceeded with the lesson, Officer Yonder started moving around the classroom along the edges of the walls.
”Specifically, guys, we’re talking about the ‘G.D.’ word. You know, the same vocab word used by Walter White for when he was conducting business with a meth dealer from Arizona? He asked what his name was, and the dealer responded with ‘Heisenberg.’ He then used the word to emphasize how ‘right’ the dealer was. You know which word I’m talking about?”
The students nodded; a handful got the reference. One student even mouthed the iconic line.
Grrrr. Something was kicking inside Officer Yonder. Close to his lower stomach. The brain registered an emergency. To the restroom. He approached the front of the door, and caught Mr. David’s attention. Imma go use it, mouthed Officer Yonder; Mr. David nodded in response.
“Okay, guys,” Mr. David said. “Let’s discuss the brief history of ‘G.D.’ and its impact on the world today. Then, we will learn some God-friendly alternatives to ‘G.D.’ and some other vocab words. Okay? So go ahead and get out your notebooks.”
Sofia, in a pink hoodie, carefully watched Officer Yonder leave Chez David. She scooted her chair close to the desk. She slid her pink suction-cupped-cased iPhone out of her front hoodie pocket and into the desk cubby. She covertly slipped into her Airpods as Mr. David was lecturing. She opened the Tiktok app:
Let me know! Let me know!
Do you love the way I do when I’m lovin’ your body?
A chocolate labrador dog stared into the sunset as the music played.
Sofia took a quick glance at the front of Chez David. So far, no Officer Yonder. Just Mr. David chatting and writing on the board.
“Oh shit,” Ace said as he put himself on the floor in front of the other Islanders on a patio.
Huda approached Chris while wearing a skimpy maid costume. She got down on her knees only to flip herself upside-down and onto Chris. The other contestants cheered as the camera angled at the back of Chris’ head directly in between Huda’s twirling legs as if he was performing an act on her.
The girl looked up. Scanned the room. Still no sign of Officer Yonder. She went back to her refuge:
The boy in the Supreme grey sweatshirt sat in the Principal’s office, angled from a discreet place that captured his face from the bottom-view. Adults could be heard in the background. The caption on the video said pov: i got too loud and everyone including the math teacher noticed.
She looked up again. Mr. David was still lecturing. No sign of Officer Yonder. She retreated back into her world:
“Mr. President,” a journalist asked the cotton-candy-haired president in a press conference. “What are your thoughts on a Hispanic mayor in California denouncing your immigration policies?”
“I would take away his citizenship the same way I took away his daughter’s virginity,” the president responded.
“In a world full of monsters and demons—” sang a lead vocalist of a band for a theme song of an obscure, yet decent, cartoon from 2005.
Mr. David stood near the bar of a nightclub with some close friends. “Hey, I’m David and this is me before my first shot.” The camera cut to Mr. David trying to keep his balance and wearing a stupified smile while holding a plastic draft cup of Karbach Love Street, “Hey this is… David. And this is me after my tenth shot,” he accidentally bumped into a lady next to him. A splash of beer stained the woman’s white dress. “Aw shit. Sorry!”
“Hey Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today!” A Google image of Phineas said to a Google image of his brother. “I’m going to say the F-word during dinner with the family, and we’ll see how Mom feels.”
The scene cut to Phineas and Ferb having dinner with Mom, Dad, and Candace, while Perry was eating from his bowl on the ground.
“Hey guys,” Phineas said while still images of others ‘ate’ their food. “I got something to say—”
“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” brought Sofia to reality. She paused the Tiktok video. Officer Yonder stood before her desk, towering above her.
Mr. David had filled the board with interesting notes on the Second Commandment and some mathematical formulas that explain how ‘G.D.’ does not serve the commandments—including an integral of G with respect to d(amn) being set equal to God plus C u in hell. He had stopped lecturing upon Officer Yonder’s yell.
The whole class sat there and witnessed the scene before their eyes.
“This is the fourth time, Sofia. You have already made four strikes. FOUR!” Officer Yonder stuck four fingers in front of Sofia’s face. “When will you ever learn to stop using your phone?!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Sofia flustered. “Okay, okay. I’ll put it away for good. For good. Please show me mercy—”
“‘Mercy?’ You still managed to break this law three times—and I even outlined all the repercussions for using your phone in class. Give me your phone,” Officer Yonder extended his arm with an open palm.
“Imma put it in my backpack and you won’t have to deal with it—”
“No! You give it to me immediately.”
“No.”
Along with the other students, Mr. David witnessed it all. “Come on, not this again,” he sighed to himself.
“Consequences will be much more severe if you don’t comply,” Officer Yonder said.
“Let me just put it in my backpack, please.”
“You can either give me the phone, or I’m going to have to put you in handcuffs.”
“My parents spent $1000 on this phone. This is my property and you can’t take it.”
“Give me the phone, or you’re going to jail.”
“My parents need to keep a hold of me in case if—”
“That concern has been addressed and resolved. There are eighty-eight of us here on this campus keeping students and teachers safe. Literally, each classroom has their own officer. I’m sick and tired of hearing this bullshit excuse. Always with the ‘parents’ and ‘safety reasons’ and what-not. We are ‘the safety.’ Now give me your phone, please.”
Sofia sat there. Suction-cupped-case phone in hand. For a tense moment, she finally told the officer, “I just want to hear Phineas say the F-word to his family.”
“You may want that. However, you have to learn about the Second Commandment right now. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to do that on your own time. Give me the phone please; I’m giving you opportunities for you to give me the phone without further consequences.”
Sofia sat there. Clutching her phone away from the officer.
Officer Yonder took out his radio, “Hey, we have a Code 17-69 here in A420. I’m going to need back up.”
Mr. David reacted to his classroom officer’s actions by saying to himself “oh no.”
A minute later, two more police officers from other classrooms and two administrators dressed in grey slacks and walkie-talkies barged into Chez David. “Hey, how are you?” the VP checked in on Mr. David, right as he and the others converged onto Sofia’s desk area. The other students just sat there and watched the scene unfold.
”We’re giving you one last chance, Sofia,” Officer Yonder said. “Give me the phone.”
Sofia stood up and backed away to a corner. “Nuh-uh,” she nodded in disagreement. “You can’t take my phone away. My parents paid for it and they can sue for it. Please, I just want to hear Phineas say the F-word.”
“Final warning, or we’re putting you in handcuffs.”
Sofia nodded no.
The officers rushed in. “Put your hands behind your back, you are under arrest!”
The administrators directed the bystanding students out of Chez David with their belongings.
“Well, I guess it’s a good time to go to the restroom,” said Freddy as he walked out of the door.
“Feeling a little woozy,” said Maddie as she walked out with the others.
Mr. David stood there as the officers brought Sofia to the ground in a confrontational arrest.
“Stop resisting!” ordered Officer Caddy.
“Agh!” yelled Officer Locke as he felt the sharp acrylic nails unintentionally blade through the skin of his arms. “Stop resisting! Put your hands behind your fucking back now!”
“HELP!! I just want to hear Phineas say the F-word!” Sofia cried while pinned on the ground while three officers were attempting to the arrest. “JUST LET ME HEAR HIM SAY THE F-WORD!”
Mr. David let out a sigh and nodded in disapproval of this ridiculous scene over a new law. “Goddammit.”
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